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{\an8}♪ When I was young,
younger than before ♪

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♪ I never saw the truth hanging
from the door ♪

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♪ And now I'm older,
see it face to face ♪

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♪ And now I'm older
got to get up, clean the place ♪

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Lots of messages coming
in on today's hot topic--

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Linda's Ledgers.

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Her list of every single chore
she's done

8
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and how long it took her

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that came up
at yesterday's trial.

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What did it make you feel?

11
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:39,200
Did it make you think about
who does what in your home?

12
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Are you someone who's
angry about

13
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all the time you've spent
doing it all?

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Or--
are you someone who enjoys it?

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Is the distribution
of household labour

16
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a bone of contention
in your home?

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Does the government need
to get involved?

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Would you,
the British taxpayer,

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be happy to pay domestic
benefit

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to the person doing it all...

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Late for your first shift.
Not a good start, town mouse.

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Mm. It seems our Eel Queen
continues to cause mayhem.

23
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I've told you,
it's nothing to do with me.

24
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Is that really the
most humane way of killing them?

25
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Calling you the Mick Lynch
of Dusting, town mouse.

26
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Yeah. Riling the womenfolk
right up, you are.

27
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Well, they wouldn't even
know about it

28
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if you hadn't put me on trial.

29
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No, I refuse to be
some poster girl

30
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for some kind of
anti-housework cult.

31
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Ah, the reluctant messiah.

32
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Now, they're always
the best leaders, right?

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- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

34
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Whew!

35
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- Hot flash?
- Yes. It's the stress.

36
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Have you not got
your menopause magnet

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down your pants today,
then, now?

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No, I can't wear it in here

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because of all the pots and pans
and knives.

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Radio Caller: Didn't know how
to use the washing machine,

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doesn't understand
what a toilet brush is for.

42
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I've had enough.

43
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Anyway, so I says to our John
that either I start getting

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paid for doing everything,
or I ain't doing it no more.

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And he says we're a team

46
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and that his job
is fitting windows,

47
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and that my job is doing all
the house and the kids stuff,

48
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which made my blood boil
because I'm a barrister

49
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and earn much more than him.

50
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So I says to him,

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"Why don't you add up
how much it would cost you

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to pay all these
different professionals to do

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all the bollocks I do for you
and come back with a figure?"

54
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So he comes back with a figure,
and no amount of window fitting

55
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is gonna cover it, Joy.

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So we comes to an agreement,
which is him doing his
fucking bit.

57
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And how's that working out?

58
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Radio Caller:
Well, it ain't, is it?

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'Cos he cleaned the toilet
then cleaned the cabinet
mirror after

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with the same cloth he used
to clean the toilet with.

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So the mirror was a smeary mess
of wee and pubes,

62
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which I then had to clean again
and that made me late
for court,

63
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and I got a big murder case on.

64
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So what's the solution, Beth?

65
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I don't fucking know, Joy.

66
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All I know is that I'm
now writing everything down

67
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,320
in my own Linda's Ledger.

68
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Well, keep us posted, Beth.
Dave is on line three.

69
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- Shoot, Dave.
- You women just want us

70
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men castrated in public,
don't ya?

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You think that would be
a good idea.

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You can't just keep calling in
and saying that, Dave.

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Give my love to Cheryl.
Kev is on line four.

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Come on, Kev.
Don't let me down.

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Divvy up household chores
equally between men and women.

76
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Less time women spend
doing chores,

77
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more time they'll have
doing their proper jobs,

78
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and that will boost the boost
the economy.

79
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Ooh! Good call, Kev.

80
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So, are you gonna
pull your socks up?

81
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Nah.

82
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Right.
Give my love to Susie.

83
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Well, that's it for today.

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Until tomorrow...
Je suis Linda.

85
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We're women, Linda.
This is what we do.

86
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It's what we've always done.

87
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What makes you so bloody
special? Nothing, that's what.

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So stop whingeing and moaning
about being a woman and
come home!

89
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Go-o-o-o-od morning,
Forest of Dean!

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News just in.

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The new road and development

92
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has been halted indefinitely due
to lack of funds.

93
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,920
That is a travesty!
An absolute travesty!

94
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,920
My starlings lost their home.
They've got nothing. Nothing!

95
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,200
Not only have I lost
my beloved tree,

96
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I've also lost
my most prized possession...

97
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Father Watkins' bible--

98
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Malleus Maleficarum.

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Whoever you are, you have until
midday tomorrow to return it.

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His daughters rejected it,
mocked his nightly readings,

101
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and then began
their witches' supper.

102
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Shame on them!

103
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Which brings me round
to today's subject--

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Ungrateful women.

105
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First they hijack
our Eel Festival.

106
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Now they want a medal
for doing the bloody ironing.

107
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Our boys on the front line
do their own ironing

108
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and then kill people.

109
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Do they get a medal for it?

110
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I mean, yeah, they do, but--
not for the ironing.

111
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That's my point.

112
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Makes one wonder, doesn't it,
gentlemen,

113
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with the recent eel
endangerment hot on the heels

114
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of the womanised Eel Festival
and Linda's Ledgers.

115
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I also hear that two of
the mother tree's tree fellers

116
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haven't been able to achieve
an erection since.

117
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Coincidence or a curse?

118
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All this recent
phallic-themed endangerment

119
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is giving me the willies.

120
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So lock up your cucumbers
and your stinkhorns

121
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before they droop, too.

122
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Back after this.

123
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I'm, uh...
I'm going to Turkey tomorrow.

124
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Package holiday with the kids?

125
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No.
Turkish hair transplant.

126
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Turkey hair.

127
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- Don't they have feathers?
- Turkish.

128
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Turkish hair.

129
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What is Turkish hair again?

130
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Oh, I've heard of
a Turkish bath.

131
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- Turkish delight.
- Is it like regular hair

132
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but with a light dusting
of icing sugar?

133
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Lads, lads, lads, it's where
I'm going to get it done.

134
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Turkey is the, uh,
cosmetic surgery Mecca.

135
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:14,200
You know, bums, boobs, faces,
teeth, hair transplants.

136
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Penis enlargements.

137
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- Just hair, is it, Steve?
- That's right.

138
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The rest of me is unimprovable.

139
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How's Lin's treatment going,
Steve?

140
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- What treatment?
- Her cancer treatment.

141
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She hasn't got cancer, Jerry.

142
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You said she had cancer.

143
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Jerry, fuck's sake, man,

144
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have you thought all this time
Lin had cancer?

145
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He made it all up because he
felt humiliated by her leaving.

146
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Come on, Jer.

147
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So she hasn't got cancer?

148
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But me and the kids
ran a half marathon for her.

149
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Squeezed water out of cloth.
30 seconds.

150
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,760
Pig Man's cloth brings
all the girls to the yard.

151
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,160
I love housework.
I used to do everything.

152
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And would your ex-wife agree?

153
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Oh, 100%.
She did fuck all.

154
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Oh. Well done, you.

155
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I'm just saying I did my bit.

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Ohh!

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I've really annoyed myself

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thinking more of you
for doing the housework,

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and I wouldn't have thought that
if you were a woman.

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We make such a fuss of guys for
doing, like, the bare minimum.

161
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"Dave's such an
incredible father!

162
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He did the school run
last week."

163
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:04,640
"[ Gasps ] Bob did the kids' tea
last Thursday.

164
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Used every pot in the house
and didn't wash up,

165
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:07,880
but he did the tea."

166
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,520
"Love Bob.
He's such a ledge."

167
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,880
"Oh! Did you hear?
Adam changed Tilly's nappy.

168
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Give him the Nobel Prize!"

169
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:28,920
Special recipe just for you.

170
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Ooh!

171
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Rose coffee.

172
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Well, it's not that bad, is it?

173
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You said
you love the smell of roses.

174
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No, I do, I do.
Thank you.

175
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My mum had this...

176
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She wore this rose talc,

177
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and, er, it would always be
all over the bathroom floor.

178
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Do you ever feel like
you're just pretending?

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- How do you mean?
- To be happy.

180
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Being here is like the first
time, I think in my whole life,

181
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I've ever felt like
I belonged somewhere.

182
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Every family photo, I looked
like just some random kid

183
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,640
that had just
wandered into shot.

184
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:33,320
But it's not just the people, though.

185
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It's the place.
I feel really rooted here.

186
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,480
Follow the mushrooms, Linda.

187
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The mushrooms?

188
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They're what led me here.
I'm sure of it.

189
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:09,800
Can we have a word about
Linda's Ledgers, please, Linda?

190
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:11,880
How long have you
been there for?

191
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,880
It's just, does...

192
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:20,760
...does sex...

193
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,640
...go in
the chore ledger, Linda?

194
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,840
Sorry, does-- does what
go in the chore ledger?

195
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,920
Sex. Sex.

196
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,240
And not just the main act, neither.

197
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,400
What about the hand jobs

198
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,840
and the mouth jobs
and the bum jobs?

199
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,640
I can't answer that for you,
Judith.

200
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,480
You--
Only you can answer that.

201
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:47,600
Did you put all your hand jobs
and mouth jobs and bum jobs

202
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,320
in your Linda's Ledger, Linda?

203
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,400
I-I don't talk about
my private life.

204
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,360
I don't-- I don't know what
the chore ledger rules are.

205
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,720
Just if-- just if it felt like
a chore, then I--
then I put it in.

206
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,800
Thank you.

207
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,840
Thank you, Linda.

208
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:07,440
I shall amend my
Janet's Linda's Ledger
accordingly,

209
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,360
and I'll pass that on
to the others.

210
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,960
It's not Janet's Linda's Ledger.
It's just...

211
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:15,680
And I shall amend
my Judith's Linda's Ledger too.

212
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,480
No, it's just Judith's ledger.

213
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,680
It's not
Judith's Linda's Ledger.

214
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,240
See? I told you.

215
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:25,640
If it feels like a chore,
then it goes in.

216
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,680
That's the rule.

217
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,400
- If it...
- If it...

218
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,880
- ...feels like a chore...
- ...feels like a chore...

219
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,640
...then it goes in.

220
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,160
- ...then it goes in.
- That's the rule.

221
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,000
- That's the rule.
- Thank you, Linda.

222
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,120
- Thank you, Linda.
- We'll see the girls
immediately.

223
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,880
- We'll see the girls.
- But there aren't
any rules.

224
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,280
That-- that's not what
I was saying.

225
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,520
Can I backdate my
Sarah's Linda's Ledger, Linda?

226
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,160
Is "smiling at"
a chore, Linda?

227
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,960
Do we put that down
in my June's Linda's Ledger?

228
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,120
How do we start
taking the time back, Linda?

229
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,760
Do we put double time down
if we do two chores at once

230
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,560
or put them in separately,
Linda?

231
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,240
I often multitask,
like most women.

232
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,160
An hand job whilst ironing?

233
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,960
- Dusting and stripping?
- I don't know!

234
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,840
Does enthusiastically listening
to him talking about himself

235
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,440
- all the time go in, Linda?
- I don't-- uh-oh.

236
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:19,240
Oi!

237
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:20,800
We're all waiting here.

238
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,880
What does our sign say, Linda?

239
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,400
"Serving eels and mash to men."

240
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:28,080
Yeah, exactly. Men come here
to get away from their women.

241
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,600
It's not where wives come to get
hand job and housework advice.

242
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,320
Get rid of them, Linda.
Or we'll get rid of you.

243
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,800
Sorry, is that supposed to be
the eel speaking?

244
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,160
- 'Cos I can see your lips move.
- Get rid!

245
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,680
It's not my fault!
I don't know why they're here!

246
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,200
Is listening to his work stories
over and over a chore?

247
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,960
- I don't know!
- What about laughing
at their jokes?

248
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,880
How much should we charge
for that, Linda?

249
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,840
And Judith told us that
hand jobs, mouth jobs,
and bum jobs

250
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,160
are all charged differently.

251
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,680
- Sort it, Linda!
- Yeah, Linda.

252
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,320
It's your final warning.

253
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,400
- Move! Move!
- Move! Move!

254
00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:00,840
I don't know! I don't know!

255
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,920
Aaah!

256
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,680
Women, please!
Go home!

257
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,960
Leave me out of your bum jobs!

258
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,120
Oh, hello, Martin.

259
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,400
Well, your mum's not dead yet,
if that's why you're ringing.

260
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,040
You never wanted kids.

261
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,120
Oh.

262
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,440
Eczema?

263
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,120
- Lice.
- Oh, God!

264
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,760
Get some shampoo!

265
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,840
- No, I like the company.
- Eh?

266
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,880
Well, it's a lonely old world
out there, Linda.

267
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,800
S-Sorry?

268
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,360
You're actually hosting lice
to make you feel less alone?

269
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,760
Yeah, well, they remind me
that I've got feelings.

270
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,960
Itchiness isn't a feeling.

271
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,280
It's a symptom, Tony,
of having your blood sucked.

272
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,840
Well, it's more than a lot of
men my age are getting.

273
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,520
Some of these
poor bastards round here

274
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,080
ain't even
getting sucked by lice.

275
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:40,280
Scratching isn't
a substitute for intimacy.

276
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,360
Well, then you're obviously
not doing it properly.

277
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,720
Tone. Come on.

278
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:49,200
I've got friends
in codependent relationships.

279
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,280
But this?

280
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,960
They're literally
feeding off you, Tone.

281
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,960
You're their literal
life source.

282
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,240
Yeah, it's nice to be needed,
isn't it?

283
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,320
We all need a purpose in life,
Linda.

284
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,960
Oh!

285
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,200
Siobhain, what the f--

286
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,440
You've come in the Corsa.
Why are you wearing
Steve's leathers?

287
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:32,320
I'm taking some time back
for myself, Linda.

288
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,960
Where's the toilet?
I'm not shitting in a bush.

289
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,040
Not with my guts.

290
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,040
Oh...

291
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:46,160
{\an8}♪ Oh, Sally, my dear,
it's you I'd be kissing ♪

292
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,200
{\an8}♪ She smiled and replied ♪

293
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:51,560
{\an8}♪ "You don't know
what you're missing" ♪

294
00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:03,520
{\an8}♪ Oh, Sally, my dear,
I wish I could wed you ♪

295
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:09,000
{\an8}♪ Oh, Sally, my dear,
I wish I could bed you ♪